Wednesday, July 28, 2010

One Moment

If you could, is there a moment you would go back in your life and change? There probably is. Everyone has a moment when they wish they had done something different, said something different.
I know the exact moment I would go back to.
I would go and back and study my grade nine math test.
Yeah, I know. A math test in grade nine? Really? Not even an exam?
But you know what would have happened if I studied?
I would have been ready for my math test. So I wouldn't have been so distraced that morning that I didn't notice my cat. So I wouuldn't have tripped over him. So I wouldn't have sprained my ankle. So I wouldn't have missed school that day.
And then the next.
And then the next.
And the next.
And on and on it went, until one day I found myself unable to leave my basement, nevermind my house, hadn't seen anyone but my parents, sisters, and two of my friends in months.
Sudenly, it was June, and I hadn't been to school since that day I hurt my ankle in Febuary.
My life has been like that since then. A year and a half later.
A lot of the time I'm unable to leave my home because of my physical pain.
When the physical pain isn't too bad, my phycalogical pain stops me. Anxiety attacks and OCD and paranoia.
Last week I spent 27 hours awake without leaving my room and taped newpaper over my windows to block out the light and baracaded my door. I didn't come out until my mom called a friend of mine and she came over and stood under my window and talked me into coming out.
I'm worried. I don't know what my life is turning into. The group of people I went to school with for ten years are going into grade eleven, and I'm not done grade nine. And how am I supposed to go to school to finish it when I can't leave my house?

Bah. Whatever.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Walking... And I just noticed how many of my post titles start with 'walking'

Hey! Guess what?
I'm walking!
Yes, thats right. Walking. Without crutches, canes, or walkers. Today two of my friends came over and I walked my dog to the park with them. Its actually the feild and playground behind my elementary school, and its only a block away from my house, but still.
We sat on a bench and watched children play, and we remembered times from when we went there. A group of guys I went to school with were sitting behind the generator and when they saw us they came over and were amazed about my hair (it was to my hips for years, and for my surgery I cut it about an inch from my scalp), and wanted to know about my surgery. Which was weird, since I never really spoke to them all that much, but not weird since we were a really small school and we were all together for ten years, and I was always the quiet small girl that was constantly hurting myself and never had real good health, so for some reason everyone would freak out and protect me.
We were a weird group of kids.
I miss it.
Anyways, I'm walking again. Everyone is happy. Things are good. Well, better.
I shall leave it at that, because I had a good day and I'm not going to ruin it by thinking of bad things.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Walking and Pools... and Brothers

So, I'm walking! With crutches, and every night my ankles are twice their normal size, but I'm still walking!
Its really weird. I feel really tall, because I haven't been above three feet for the past three months, and now I'm walking around at over five feet. Only three inches above five feet, but still.
My surgeon said water would help, so now I have a pool in my back yard. Above ground, and awesome. I am in love with it. I just hold on to one of those floating blue boards that you can glide on and walk around. The water goes to about half way up my stomach, so it holds me up enough that I can walk with just that.

So life is really good. Its summer, so my friend (really the only one I have left) isn't busy with school or anything, so I've seen her everyday for the past week. I'm walking again. My grandmother is in town. My annoying sister is in BC for a whole month, so none of her incredibly rude friends are hanging around my house eating our food and drinking my Coke. My littlest sister is being really happy and nice again, and her allergies are under control. My cat is back to normal.
And my long-lost brother has resurfaced.
Yes. My dad had a son when he was 18. He was put up for adoption. He just found my dad. So, you know, yay, I guess.
I hope.